A train is about to crash! A frantic virgin strips off and says, "Can anyone make me feel like a woman before I die?" So a man takes off his clothes and says, "Iron these!"
Someday you may lose your hair. You may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never loose is your good looks, coz you can't lose what you don't have!
From the moment I saw you, I wanted to be inside you, I love your smell, the way your tongue feels, the way you tighten and loosen, mmmmmmm... new shoes!!
Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it but only you can feel its true warmth. Thank you for being the pee in my pants. =)
Jack & Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. But stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.
He came to me one night... explored my body... licked, sucked, swallowed and had his fill... when satisfied he left... I was hurt... damn mosquito!
In the morning I do not eat because I think of you. At noon I do not eat because I think of you. In the evening I do not eat because I think of you, and at night I do not sleep because Im hungry.
Viagra now available in eye drops! You don't get an erection but you look hard!
I love the way it rubs against the soft pink flesh creating a creamy foamy liquid, as it thrust in and out, up and down, can't wait till next time. I love my toothbrush!
What's the closest thing to a woman's period? Your salary! It comes once a month, lasts about 3 or 4 days and if it doesn't come, everyone's in trouble!
What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek? If we stick together, we can stop this shit! =)
A few good quotes: 1. Nobody dies a virgin, life fucks us all; 2. I was born brilliant, education ruined me; 3. Don't drink water, fishes fuck in it. =)
A priest lost his parrot, asked during mass. Anyone got a bird? All men stood up. I mean, anyone seen a bird? All women stood up. I mean, anyone seen my bird? All nuns stood up!
Love is like a bowl of oatmeal; warm, mushy and good for you. Lust is like soup, it is only good when it is hot. =)
I had a wet dream about you last night .... I pissed myself laughing when you fell of a cliff!
Come here. Take off your pants and get on top of me. Enjoy me until you're totally satisfied. Lovingly yours, Toilet!!!!
Mirror Mirror on the wall. Who's the fairest of them all? The mirror laughed and then it spat. "It sure ain't you. You ugly prat!"
Tell me. Is it going in? Yeah! Is it hurting? Ooh yeah, Ouch! it's hurting! Ok, I will put it in slowly. Still hurting? Ahh yeah. Then let's try the other shoe, madam.
When I look at the sun, I see you! When I look at the moon, I see you! When I look at the sea, I see you. Well, get out of my way!
It goes in dry, it comes out wet. The longer it's in, the stronger it gets. We can have it in bed, just you and me. It's not what you think, it's a cup of tea!
Last night, I wanted you. I needed you so badly that it hurts. I wanted to taste you. I wanted you in me so you could work your magic on me, but I couldn't find you. You stupid.. paracetamol!
I only have sex on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day!
Q: What’s the difference between bathing suits before and now? A: Before, you have to open the suit to see the butt. Now, you have to open the butt to see the suit!
In the desert, man trying to rape a camel, but he was kicked. Then he saw a beautiful lady asking for water. "As payment you can do anything you want." Man said, "Could you hold the feet of the camel?"
Source: Funny English Text Messages filtered out from Textmates 171 - 300
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