American guy named Paul challenged a Filipino: Use my name 4x in a sentence. Pedro: "Paul, be carePaul, you might Paul in the swimming Paul!"
Q: How will a gentleman say to his dinner date that he needs to go to the toilet? A: Excuse me, I have to shake hands with a friend of mine who hopes to meet you after dinner. =)
Lucio Tan said, if a man has only 1 wife, wife often fights man; if man has 2 wives, wives fight each other; but if man has 4 wives, the wives play mahjong.
Fact 1: You cannot touch your lower lip with your tongue. Fact 2: After reading this, 99/100 idiots would try it. =)
Man went to confession. Man: Father, during the war, a beautiful young lady asked me to hide her from the enemy, so I hid her in the attic. Father: That's a very good gesture, you need not confess. Man: But as the days went, she repaid me with daily sexual favors. Father: That is still forgiven my son. Man: But I have another question. Father: What is it my son? Man: Shall I tell her the war is over? =)
Lady: Teach me how to play badminton. Coach: Hold the racket the way you hold your husband's cock. Lady: Ok. Coach: No! No! Ma'am, please take the racket out of your mouth! Hahaha!
Who said fill in the blank is very easy? Try this. Fill in the blank with Yes or No. "___, I am not a normal person."
Wife stands in front of a mirror and tells husband, "I'm ugly, my boobs are sagging, my ass is too fat. Give me a compliment." Husband: "You have a very good eyesight."
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger? Wife: I clean the toilet bowl. Husband: How does that help? Wife: I use your toothbrush.
Hubby and wife travelling by car, not talking after quarrel. Passing farm of goats, mules and pigs, hubby asked sarcastically, "Relative of yours?" Wife replied, "Yup, in-laws!"
Can you beat this logic? A man and his wife were getting divorce at a local court. The mother wants the custody of their children, but the father also wants the same. The mother said to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain the custody of them. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the chair and said, "Judge, if I put a dollar into a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belongs to me or to the machine?"
A man reads a book in bed next to his wife and his finger went to tickle his wife's pussy. Wife asks, "You want sex?" "No, just to wet my fingers to turn the page!"
Read each word reversely. A suomaf rotcod dlot em taht ylno latnem stneitap evah eht tnelat ot daer SMS neve nehw sti nettirw ylesrever
What is wrong with your phone? I tried calling you, but the operator said, "Welcome to the jungle! The monkey you are trying to call in on the tree. Please, try again later."
Army: I'm going to buy my wife a bra but I don't know the size. Saleslady: Don't worry sir, just touch my breast and try to estimate. Army: Oh, I forgot! She needs panty too!
A little boy was so jealous about his newborn brother so he put poison on the nipple of his mom while asleep. The next day, their driver died!
Short story... 2 friends, See and Saw. One day, See saw sea and Saw didn't see sea. See saw sea and jumped in sea. Saw didn't see sea but jumped in sea. See saw Saw in sea and Saw saw See in sea. See saw both Saw and sea and both Saw and See were happy to see sea.
I ask God to bless you, guide you, keep you safe, give you peace, give you love and joy and cash everyday.
There maybe those on earth who dress better or eat better, but those who dream of me sleep better and wake up happier! Good night!
Today is international day for people with special needs. Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend, just as I've done. I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals, or occasionally bang your head on a wall. You hang in there, sunshine, you're special! =)
News: GMA kidnapped by terrorists. $5 million ransom demand or she'll be set on fire. All donations appreciated... so far, 500,000 liters of gasoline received! Hahaha!
A good husband was asked. Do you sleep with other women? He replied: I sleep only with my wife. With other women, I stay awake all the time!
Police arrests a prostitute who protests: I am not selling sex! Cop: Then, what are you doing? Prostitute: I'm a saleswoman selling condoms and offering free demo!
One day, a sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac were talking in a psychic ward... Sadist: I'm bored, why don't we torture a cat? Zoophile: Yeah, we'll torture it and then f*ck it! Murderer: We'll torture it, f*ck it and then kill it! Necrophile: We'll torture it, f*ck it, kill it and f*ck it again! Pyromaniac: Yeah! Then, we'll burn the cat! ... Sudden silence... Then, all asked the masochist, "Why he didn't say anything?" Masochist: Meow!
Just imagine life without girls. The results... Telephones silent. Malls empty. Shoes and bag industries closed. All mobile companies in loss. No cosmetics. No flowers. No valentine's day. No jewelries. No perfumes. No travelling. Devastated economy. But all men go directly to heaven!
Priest (in Malacañang): Next Sunday, I'll preach about the sin of lying. To understand more, I want you all to read Mark, chapter 17. (Next Sunday) Priest: How many of you read Mark chapter 17? (Only GMA's hand went up!) Priest (smiled): Mark has only 16 chapters. Let's now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
Why are Egyptian children always confused? Answer: Because after death, daddy becomes the mummy.