Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Funny Text Messages 3

Last night, I couldn't sleep. I wanted you warm against my skin. I wanted you on me. I wanted to feel you all over my body. But i couldn't find you! Where did I put my pyjamas?

Boy: Can I touch your software? Girl: Show me first your hardware. Boy: Can I install it in your system? Girl: Ok, if you cover it with anti-virus first. =)

Always remember, whe she cancels a date, it is because she "has to." But when he cancels a date, it is because he "has two!" Hahaha!

The true meaning of GLOBALIZATION: Princess Diana, a Welsh princess, with an English husband, crashed in a French tunnel while riding in a German car with a Dutch engine driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, chased by Italian paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor using Brazilian medicines. This message was created by a Filipino on a Finnish celphone smuggled from China by a Pakistani and sold by an Indian businessman. =)

To Whom It May Concern: Please be notified that the most beautiful creation of God is preparing to sleep... Send your greetings now while she's still awake. Good night! :)

Ever wonder why the sun LIGHTENS our hair, but DARKENS our skin? Why is it that to STOP Windows 98, you have to click START? Why is 'ABBREVIATED' such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do PRACTICE? Why is the man who invests all your money called BROKER?

Erap to Taxi: To the airport hurry! 1st sign airport 50m, 2nd sign airport 10m, 3rd sign airport Left! Erap: You stupid, you're too slow, the airport already left!

I'm sure you were born in this world as a cute baby. Now that you're grown up, I have one question, What happened?!

Salesgirl: Sir, you can't smoke here. Customer: But I bought these cigars from your store. Salesgirl: We sell condoms also, but it doesn't mean that you can f*ck here.

I want to divorce my wife, she hasn't spoken to me in six months! Lawyer: Better think it over, wives like that are very hard to find!

A girl phone a guy, "Come on over, there's nobody home..." When the guy got there, there was nobody home. Hahaha!

Life is short, live it! Love is rare, grab it! Anger is bad, dump it! Fear is awful, face it! Memories are sweet, cherish it! Sender is cute, admit it! =)

Five reasons why I text you. You make me feel welcome (I assume). I make you smile (I suppose). You appreciate my thoughts (I hope). You spend time reading my message (I guess). You think I'm cute (I'm sure). =)

The secret of being young and gorgeous? Sleep the right amount of rest. Go with the right crowd. Exercise. Eat the right food and be my friend!

A guy wanted to lose weight. He went to a diet center. It offered plan A or B. He took plan A. He was then taken to a room wherein a good looking naked girl with a "If you catch me, you can f*ck me!" sign was waiting for him. He never caught her but he lost 50 lbs! After 3 days, he decided to try plan B, thinking that it should be better. Excited, he quickly entered the room. A horse was in the room with a sign that says, "I will f*ck you if I catch you!" Waaaa!

Question: Why do Dracula's neighbors hate him? Answer: Because he is a pain in the neck!

7 days makes 1 week; 7 days of sex makes 1 weak; but no sex in a week makes 1 sick; however, good sex once a week makes 1 seek.

Dear God, thank you for making me healthy. Can you also make me sexy? If not, please make all my friends fat. Amen!

How can a woman tell if she’s flat chested? She looks down on her dress and the two bumps she sees are her knees.

Sincere apology: If you do not like to read my SMS or don’t like to read or if my messages disturb you, then please don’t hesitate, feel free to throw your cellphone!

Source: Funny English Text Messages filtered out from Textmates 301 - 500

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Funny Text Messages 2

A train is about to crash! A frantic virgin strips off and says, "Can anyone make me feel like a woman before I die?" So a man takes off his clothes and says, "Iron these!"

Someday you may lose your hair. You may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never loose is your good looks, coz you can't lose what you don't have!

From the moment I saw you, I wanted to be inside you, I love your smell, the way your tongue feels, the way you tighten and loosen, mmmmmmm... new shoes!!

Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it but only you can feel its true warmth. Thank you for being the pee in my pants. =)

Jack & Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. But stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.

He came to me one night... explored my body... licked, sucked, swallowed and had his fill... when satisfied he left... I was hurt... damn mosquito!

In the morning I do not eat because I think of you. At noon I do not eat because I think of you. In the evening I do not eat because I think of you, and at night I do not sleep because Im hungry.

Viagra now available in eye drops! You don't get an erection but you look hard!

I love the way it rubs against the soft pink flesh creating a creamy foamy liquid, as it thrust in and out, up and down, can't wait till next time. I love my toothbrush!

What's the closest thing to a woman's period? Your salary! It comes once a month, lasts about 3 or 4 days and if it doesn't come, everyone's in trouble!

What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek? If we stick together, we can stop this shit! =)

A few good quotes: 1. Nobody dies a virgin, life fucks us all; 2. I was born brilliant, education ruined me; 3. Don't drink water, fishes fuck in it. =)

A priest lost his parrot, asked during mass. Anyone got a bird? All men stood up. I mean, anyone seen a bird? All women stood up. I mean, anyone seen my bird? All nuns stood up!

Love is like a bowl of oatmeal; warm, mushy and good for you. Lust is like soup, it is only good when it is hot. =)

I had a wet dream about you last night .... I pissed myself laughing when you fell of a cliff!

Come here. Take off your pants and get on top of me. Enjoy me until you're totally satisfied. Lovingly yours, Toilet!!!!

Mirror Mirror on the wall. Who's the fairest of them all? The mirror laughed and then it spat. "It sure ain't you. You ugly prat!"

Tell me. Is it going in? Yeah! Is it hurting? Ooh yeah, Ouch! it's hurting! Ok, I will put it in slowly. Still hurting? Ahh yeah. Then let's try the other shoe, madam.

When I look at the sun, I see you! When I look at the moon, I see you! When I look at the sea, I see you. Well, get out of my way!

It goes in dry, it comes out wet. The longer it's in, the stronger it gets. We can have it in bed, just you and me. It's not what you think, it's a cup of tea!

Last night, I wanted you. I needed you so badly that it hurts. I wanted to taste you. I wanted you in me so you could work your magic on me, but I couldn't find you. You stupid.. paracetamol!

I only have sex on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day!

Q: What’s the difference between bathing suits before and now? A: Before, you have to open the suit to see the butt. Now, you have to open the butt to see the suit!

In the desert, man trying to rape a camel, but he was kicked. Then he saw a beautiful lady asking for water. "As payment you can do anything you want." Man said, "Could you hold the feet of the camel?"

Source: Funny English Text Messages filtered out from Textmates 171 - 300